I’ve done this for other people and they never said anything.  Music to them was passing kindness perhaps.  For the first time ever, this favor has been returned.   John had a gig today and he wrote me a song.  I used to think I was on the wrong track, writing almost entirely on how I felt about someone else.  Hearing this, I realize that sometimes how we feel about other people and who they are can be the same thing.  Dare I say it but this piece is so beautiful.  It astonishes me that someone could ever think that about me. This is what I’ve hoped to deserve my whole life.

This is all I’ve ever wanted from anyone I’ve ever cared for.  This is all it requires to make me happy.  Nobody’s ever discovered this, and I’ve felt like I was screaming for it.  He composes this so soon.  I can’t question why it sounds so right, knowing that this is what I’ve wanted to hear forever.

When the track is over, my body experiences a physical change.  There were warm hands just holding me and caring for me but when the song’s over, I’m gone.  Colder, but still inspired.  It’s like looking out of the front window in our old house when I was thirteen.  The rain flows down in river veins that look like hands closing together.  It’s that hope at the peak and end of a storm.  It left me able to survive.

This is how a widow feels.  This is how a mother feels.  I know this, yet I’ve never been either.  It’s me crying because of the fragility and the necessity of my hands running over his face.  There’s no worrying if he likes me or sadness that he doesn’t care, because there’s music and when I hear it, everything I’ve ever lost has returned to me.  I don’t even feel as if I’ve even lost anything anymore.

My first piano lessons.  Ballet.  First time hearing Chopin.  Last time eating ice cream.  Wanting him to know about it all, and hearing a definitive arm reach out around me.  Every season at once.  Being told that every need and want is ok.  I pray to anyone who’ll listen that I hope this is what it likes when someone lets you love him.  That’s what I’m built for.

In four minutes and fifty four seconds, everything has returned to me.